As an on again, off again resident of the "glitz and glamour" of Los Angeles I did not think I was prone to an LA freak out- again.
During round one of living in LA I noticed most people barely make it past 1 year 6 months in Los Angeles. They all seem to come to a realization just how tough the city is, just how hard their dreams are to realize. Time and time again I saw people leave LA, giving up after barely trying.
And here I am, freaking out. For the first time in my entire life I....I...I am questioning my choice to accomplish my hearts desires.
Yes, first time ever.
I am 35, I am more poor than I have ever been in my entire life. I have accomplished some interesting things that equal nothing more than part of a storied life. I laugh at some of the accomplishments- not in an act of self doubt- but rather in an act of "how the hell did that happen to me?"
I've been imitated live on stage- to my surprise.
I've been turned into a hand drawn image on a poster in the name of independent art.
I got up on a stage to a group of screaming people shouting, "Craig- we love you!"
I've been turned into a cartoon.
I've become a character in a video game.
I've been interviewed on TV, radio, blogs and in a newspaper.
I've been asked to speak on panels and considered an expert.
It's been an amazing ride. It's been fun. Yet, I still just look back and laugh for it's nothing more that great stories.
I want more. A lot more. Yet, I find my self questioning it all.
When it comes down to it- the only reason I really question any of this is because I have no- absolutely no- money. I am trying to work all of this out in my head. Not writing to whine but writing to get through this cuz god knows I won't give up. Can't. Wouldn't try. I still plug along- even if some of the umph has left my step down the yellow brick road.
With all of that confessed, I will take some time during this week and a half break from Los Angeles in the name of soul searching, attitude adjustment and getting back in tune with the universe. I want to find the umph again for I am way too determined and tenacious to walk away.
I will make this happen- somehow- someway. It will happen. It has to. It must.